Melissa Harvancik: Ayurveda and Grief

Everyone will experience grief at one point or another. But what exactly is grief? It is typically defined as deep sorrow and is often caused by the death or loss of someone we knew and loved. Ayurveda views grief similarly, but adds that in so many cases, our grief is handed down from ancestors that did not properly heal their own grief. This is known as ancestral karma. Healing one’s grief, both current day and ancestral, allows for one’s inner awakening. Different cultures grieve differently, but Ayurveda goes deeper, and seems to have the most well-rounded knowledge and methods for healing one’s heart after loss. Yoga, meditation, diet, and simply giving space for our emotions are just some of the many ways one can heal with Ayurveda. Learning how Ayurveda views grief and the effects it has on an individual are the first steps in healing. Once an individual understands what these feelings can do to them, one is better able to learn and apply methods for healing.

Different cultures have different ways of grieving and different views on death. For example, African and traditional tribal cultures believe that when someone dies, they become part of the ancestral elders that guide the tribe. Those alive are still able to communicate with the deceased, only now via the cosmos. In Ayurveda, there is a similar belief that when one dies, it is only the death of their body, not the death of their soul. One can still communicate with their loved ones, only now through prayer and meditation.

In Judaism, there is a week long mourning period following the death of a close relative. There is a structure that honors and commemorates the deceased, and gives multiple ways for grieving. However, in many other cultures, there is no set time or structure for grief, which can tend to add more stress to those suffering a loss. Especially in fast-paced western culture, there is no time to deal with loss. Limited time off work and stigma around discussing heavy topics such as death makes it significantly more difficult to overcome the stress and sadness.

Ayurveda emphasizes the importance of feeling our emotions, as opposed to suppressing them and ignoring them. We need to digest and process our feelings, or we risk those emotions getting stuck inside us, turning into ama (toxins), and manifesting in the physical body. Shortening, or altogether not experiencing the grief process affects a person in all four bodies mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual. It is well known in Eastern medicine that the lungs and heart are often the most affected by grief. Bronchitis and a heavy feeling in the heart and chest are common in people who have not dealt with their grief. Hunched shoulders, neck aches, and an overall feeling of exhaustion are also ways that deep sadness can manifest physically. Grief means closing off the heart to prevent feeling the pain of loss. This is a necessary survival technique, however, that pain needs to be felt eventually. As time goes on and the pain lessens, we can use it to guide us to a new relationship with the deceased.

There is an old Ayurvedic saying, “To the extent that something affects you, is to the extent that is is your karma”. Karma means action, so this is telling us that as much as something affects us, it is just as much an opportunity to take a transformational step. Death is transformative not only for the deceased, but also for those left behind. Pain and grief force us to take the necessary steps towards spiritual growth and personal freedom. We need a safe space in order to properly grieve, whether that is with loved ones, or alone. Feeling safe allows us to feel everything we need to feel, and also to look inside ourselves without judgement. The pain associated with loss-the sharp, dense, heavy feelings-are there for a reason. They prompt us to take action, and those actions help us remove those feelings.

Every person has two selves within them: their lower self, and their Higher self. In order to heal, one must ask their Higher self to show up, no matter how difficult it may be. Our Higher self will guide us towards balance, and also to process and move out our negative emotions with purpose and compassion. Part of that compassion includes self care, and Ayurveda has some amazing methods. Dinacharya, or daily routine, is one of the best things we can incorporate into our lives. It allows us to feel stable and grounded in our lives, even if the world around us is not. A great example is self abhyanga, or warm oil massage. The oil can be medicated with herbs such as ashwagandha, bala, and ashoka as they support the nervous system in times of grief and bring stability, warmth, and strength. Just the act of applying the oil is calming and relaxing to both the body and mind. It also promotes proper circulation and lymph drainage, and allows for optimal flow of prana (life force energy).

Another important aspect of Ayurvedic self care is diet. Ayurveda believes that improper diet is the root of all diseases, so it makes sense that in stressful times, such as during the grieving process, proper diet is especially important. Everyone has agni, or digestive fire, within them. Sometimes when a person is under stress, that agni is low, and they can experience a loss of appetite. We also need agni to digest everything we take in through our senses, as well as our emotions. Igniting agni allows us the appetite we need to nourish our bodies, and also the ability to process and “digest” our emotions. Once that agni is ignited, one needs to pay attention to the foods that they are eating. Eating for your specific dosha is important, as it helps create balance in the body. Incorporating all six tastes (sweet, sour, salty, bitter, pungent, and astringent), is also important for an Ayurvedic diet, as it leaves us feeling satisfied, and again helps to create balance. There is a tea made specifically for healing the heart, and it includes hawthorne berries, rose petals, motherwort, and chamomile. Drinking this every day while going through the grieving process is a great start, as it will comfort and soothe. Ojas (vigor and vitality) is something that is often depleted during this difficult time, and diet is a great way increase it. Simple foods such as figs, dates, almonds, ghee, and coconut are amazing at increasing ojas, and are very easy to incorporate into any diet.

More ways we can take care of ourselves includes spending time in nature, getting adequate sleep, talking about our emotions-such as in therapy-and the simple act of breathing. As mentioned before, the lungs are especially affected by sadness, so breathing exercises, or pranayama, are a great way to take care of oneself. It promotes optimal prana flow, and brings ease and steadiness to both the mind and body. One easy exercise is called 16 seconds to bliss. Inhale for four seconds, hold at the top of the breath for four seconds, exhale for four seconds, and hold at the bottom of the breath for four seconds. This can be done just once, or repeated for multiple rounds, and is great at boosting mood and calming the nervous system.

One can also use yoga, the sister science of Ayurveda, to heal, as yoga is the spiritual aspect of Ayurveda. As Dr. David Frawley explains it: “Yoga as a medical therapy is traditionally part of Ayurveda, which deals with the treatment of both physical and mental diseases. Ayurveda uses yogic methods, like yoga postures and breathing exercises, to treat physical diseases. Ayurvedic treatments for the mind include yogic practices for spiritual growth, like mantra and meditation”. An easy mantra to incorporate is SO-HUM. This mantra allows us to connect to the divine and universal consciousness. It helps us remember that the universe is working exactly as it should, and that we are safe and protected during this time. Yoga nidra is another great tool for helping the mind during the difficult grieving process. It gives the mind something else to focus on to allow for sleep and helps quiet the mind when needed, giving us the rest we need so we have the energy to properly grieve and express emotion at the right time. Yoga also provides us with meditation. Meditation can help heal both present day and ancestral grief, so as to end the cycle of ancestral karma and to prevent more grief from being handed down to future generations.

Death of a loved one can come with messy, sometimes confusing feelings. There may have been things about the departed that made it hard to love them while they were alive. As we go through life, we all experience things that make us put up walls and create emotional barriers. Those barriers can create personality traits or behaviors that even our loved ones do not like. Having compassion for our loved ones and compassion for whatever situations or experiences made them put up those walls is an important step in resolving those messy feelings.

Remembering that death is a transformational step for everyone, the deceased sheds those barriers, traits, and behaviors that made it difficult to love them, and the only thing left is our love for them, and their love for us. Dr. John Douillard explains that death has freed our lost loved ones from their demons and they are able to shine their light on us. Both the living and the dead can now fully open their hearts and enjoy a purely loving relationship that will never go away. That compassion we cultivate leads to gratitude for being able to understand our loved ones, which then leads to joy, as you are now able to express pure love for them. As Vedic astrologer Swati Miller writes, “The ability to hold both joy and pain equally, is the gift of grief”. One more great technique for overcoming grief comes from Dr. John Douillard. Moving through grief requires action. This action must be physical as it helps lay down new and better neural pathways within our brain and nervous system. This action can be any number of things; a hike in your favorite spot with the deceased, sending a text to their old phone, writing notes, or building an altar are just a few examples. As long as it is physical action and not only thoughts, it will help maintain a connection to the deceased, which will help to process the emotions associated with losing them.

The methods and theories explained here are only some of the many ways in which Ayurveda can help one move through the grief process. There are many more dietary recommendations, meditations, mantras, etc. to help process emotions and support the body and mind during difficult times. The beautiful thing about Ayurveda is that there are no hard and fast rules. If one of these methods does not serve the purpose needed for a specific individual, it does not have to be done. Everyone should find what works best for them, and should feel empowered to alter any recommendations to suit their specific needs. Everyone’s grief journey is different, but Ayurveda knows: “The pain and the fear is directly across from the bliss”.

Bibliography

Templeton, Kathryn. “Ayurvedic Self-Care to Help Cope With Grief.” Kathryn Templeton, 18 Feb. 2016, www.kathryntempleton.com/ayurvedic-self-care-to-help-cope-with-grief/.

Templeton, Kathryn. “Ayurveda for Grieving.” Kathryn Templeton, 20 Jan. 2016, www.kathryntempleton.com/ayurveda-for-grieving/.

Gedin, Gedeliah. “Overcoming Grief with Ayurveda.” The Ayurveda Experience Blog, 17 Feb. 2018, www.theayurvedaexperience.com/blog/overcoming-grief/.

Carbonell, Maria. “3 Ayurvedic Tips To Process Grief + Heart Healing Tea Recipe.” The Ayurveda Experience Blog, 2 Feb. 2018, www.theayurvedaexperience.com/blog/process-grief/.

Miller, Swati, et al. “The Grief Process, The Greatest Teacher.” AyurvedaNextDoor, 7 Sept. 2016, ayurvedanextdoor.com/grief-process/.

Douillard, John, et al. “Dealing with Grief: Love After Death.” John Douillard's LifeSpa, 5 Feb. 2018, lifespa.com/love-after-death/.

Frawley, David. “Ayurvedic Psychology: Yogic Mind-Body Medicine.” Ayurveda and the Mind: the Healing of Consciousness, by David Frawley, Motilal Banarsidass, 1998, pp. 1–6.